This is Halloween week. I lost touch with my live journal almost six whole years ago and stumbled upon it this evening by accident. I'm so glad i did. I missed it. I'm in such a different place then i was for all my posts prior to today. I will attempt making this my thing, therapeutic I even believe. I'd like to look back in 10 years and see more wisdom, more maturity, growth, positivity, and knowledge over the course of my (hopefully) more frequent, consistent, and more honest ramblings...i'm one big run on sentence for life.
I am 36 years old and I recently found my very first WHITE hair, long & wiry but I was very happy to find out I am growing WHITE hair because that's fucking awesome. My mother would have had white hair judging from her great start on both sides but she didn't live to grow old, She lived to be 53 if I'm not mistaken. Her death now nearly 15 years ago. I lost her around age 21-ish. Her death is something i will never 'get over'. It changed the destiny and direction and often (separation) of the surviving family members left to cope with life without Mom. I love her still, I miss her wholeheartedly. I can still see her face, feel her hugs, remember her, smell her, and close my eyes and be with her. Last year, on an unexpected vacation I was treated to by Aunt Eva, she included a one on one with a very gifted young clairvoyant. She was real. My mother came through. I know she is in fact resting in peace with her son, Jamie. The tears i bawled when i heard that...very relieving, joyful, happy, shocking, and omg right after. It brought me great peace and sense of closure...I am able to move on now and I have been.
That boyfriend I referred to once in one of my very last old 2010 entries was actually Mike, whom I am still partners with and I am in love with him. He is my soul mate. My guy, ride or die...we never were married. Mostly due in part to fact I (unfortunately) have never completed to low budget do it yourself divorce and although I am thankfully no longer (for many years now, like 11!!!) with my ex I kept the last name and was a wise girl to chose my Mike. He was the one for me. Still is. After 7 years of hotel hopping and getting all together just to lose it all again stints pretty much took a back seat when we became parents for the 1st time together we had Michael Raffaelle Dolente Jr...still pregnant with him We unfortunately ran out of options and moved in with Big Mike's Mom Mom, "It's her house." I'm not very happy about that. Nor is Mike, However it works in the best interest of our children. Structure, stability, routine, safety, all trump our own feelings of depression and dissatisfaction and displeasure. Some days get down right ugly. Today was not too bad. It was pretty chill in comparison to my average full day spent kinda tramped inside. Gladys came over. She is very much not well in life at all, it's been the worst year for our relationship. She was dumped by Tom horrifyingly. She's got a new boyfriend. I like him 0%. Speak more on her and all that another time. Mind you now I used the word "children" earlier in this paragraph which would normally reply to more than one child. Mikey is currently 4. He is the absolute LIGHT of my life. Best friend, bath tub buddy, handsome, beautiful son. I'm very proud of him. So far, he is the best thing I've ever done, known, been blessed to be a part of his view on things. Absolute innocence in every sense and meaning of the word. Sweet, caring, loving, and EMPATHETIC is something he brings to new heights. Not feeling 100% about that. I read something disturbing once in relation to empathy of inanimate objects, supposedly it's a tell tale sign one suffered a form of abuse. Which I am 100% certain my son was never abused in ANY way. He cries sometimes when i drain the bathtub after his bath is finished saying , "I am really going to miss that water". It just worries me. I don't want him to ever be hurt and he is so darn caring and considerate of hours, sweet. School sign up begins March 2016. I'm about to shit on myself just thinking about that fact.
Mikey was 3 when We became pregnant for the second time with twin fraternal boys. What a looooong 8 months pregnant that was that i'm glad is in the past. LOL. No, it was terrible. All twins are born early so i was prepared July 28th 2014 when i went into labor the previous night i waited until i was positive i was ready or i was positive the twins were ready...they were, My water broke at home! I went back to sleep. LOL. True Story. I got a shower in the am and called the ambulance when my contractions got closer and i was terribly uncomfortable. I elected c section. I'd recommend it to almost everyone. Big Mike and a surgical team in the operating room 11:02 baby a was born and 2 minutes later a much more reluctant baby b was born. At 6 months i learned i was actually carrying twins. Mike and I have never been more in shock as a couple to hear about the twins. My tubes were tied directly after their births. Well, at 6 months we had found this out from the radiologist at kennedy hospital during a routine ultrasound. After the initial shock wore off we got kinda happy and excited and brainstormed up the same very names we stuck with that very same day and name each twin son BEFORE his birth based on each boy's placement inside me and activity and we sure did a great job naming them. Baby "A"= Bastien (never ending story, big mike) Francis (Missy's favorite pop 'frank') Dolente 5 lbs 3 0z. And Baby "B"= Joseph (Joey McIntyre, Missy) Nikolai (Mike's late uncle Nicholas, Missy's favorite cousin Nicole Cottrell) Dolente.
So Mike and I have been together since I was 26,27. Mike had just turned 21 years legal and was sharing a one bedroom apartment above polsky's in woodbury, nj when he approached me walking towards south broad with my headphone on, "How you doing?" and from the day forth Mike and I have been nearly inseparable. Now we have these 3 oh so gorgeous boys. They make life worth living. They are all my babies made out of LOVE. I love to squeeze, hug, tickle, tease, dress, bathe, talk to, play with, spend time with, buy toys and spoil in every way these 3 beautiful boys. Mike & Melissa 11 years together around November 26th 2015. ELEVEN!!! Barely made it passed the 7 year inch stage but considering I was pregnant at that time I will get over it eventually. We even survived a twins first year with next to NO help and with another toddler and Mike's 82 year old gramdmom's house and all she winds up being the most immature, needy, trouble making child out of everyone but that's another time...and yet another i'll guess ahead. lol. Mikey is 4 years old. Twins Joey & Bash are 15 months old presently. I do believe it's getting easier as far as the twins go. I fall deeper and deeper in love with each one of my children everyday...and I pray for the 3 I couldn't manage to keep.
I'm glad i finally wrote something new. Happily ever after...